Sorry, I don't speak sober.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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