you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
