I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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