the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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