You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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