we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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