so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
