WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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