Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
