4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
don't judge my taste in strippers
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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