In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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