We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
