can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
worst night to have a conscience
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
