I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
