dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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