you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
