that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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