ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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