you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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