Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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