it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
