I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize