no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
