Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
