Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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