i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
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