im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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