Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Never underestimate the power of titties
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
