Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
