I am puke
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
