I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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