Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
