You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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