She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
My balls are so social today.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
