girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
