So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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