tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
You left your phone here
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