So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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