My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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