he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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