It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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