There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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