I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
