My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
