So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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