Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
