Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
