I just threw up on my dentist
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
