i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
