I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
