The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
