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If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
