I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
