Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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