Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
