Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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